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Friday, March 26, 2010

Now...and Then.

I have a confession to make. It’s a hard one, so bear with me.

I don’t want to be pregnant again. I don’t think I can do it.

My husband doesn’t know this. I’m just now realizing it. I know six months isn’t a lot of time, but with the path I’ve traveled…I’m very clear on this. It’s not that I don’t want to complete our family – I want that will everything that I am. I want a baby so badly that it’s a tangible emotion. But, lets be realistic. I’m part of an elite group that knows…not just thinks, KNOWS…that life isn’t fair and not everyone gets a happy ending. I’m even content knowing that, in an odd sort of way. I get it. I understand. I just don’t think I can go through this again.

And that’s what I’m really talking about. Every pregnancy, birth and raising of a child deals with risks. Most don’t come close to touching those risks…and I’m happy for them, truly. But, those risks touched us. So, now I’m aware and walking into situations with new eyes. Death is a natural conclusion to life – and unfortunately, it can happen in the middle or beginning of it. I’m not okay with those odds anymore. I’m absolutely terrified of being pregnant again.

I’ve been hiding behind a barrage of excuses. I would like to lose more baby weight. Work is going great. We aren’t on our feet yet. Just a few more months…anything to buy myself more time putting it off. It has nothing to do with losing Brayden, and everything to do with it. I miss him more than anything, and I don’t look at this as having a “replacement” baby. He can’t be replaced. But, I know now that this is a risk you take to have a family. I know that this could happen to us again in our next pregnancy. SIDS could happen. Accidents could happen. Another cord accident could happen.

It scares the living shit out of me.

I’m sure from an outsider’s perspective, this seems extreme and paranoid. I don’t care about an outsider’s perspective. This is my perspective. And I’m scared. Truly and honestly terrified.

Emotionally I’m fine. I still cry almost every day for Brayden, but that sharp stabbing edge of grief is dulling…I’m free to be sad without being devastated. I’m healing. As painful as it is, I’m moving on…Brayden will always be with me, but I’m entering a point in my life where here on out, my loss won’t consume me.

And, man, do I want a baby. A real, living breathing baby. I don’t feel this is a betrayal of my son’s memory – he was a gift, and a dream come true for us. I will love him always. But, we still have that dream of a family. To fulfill that dream, I have to chalk up my fear and do my part.

Does the fear outweigh the dream? No. Because of this, we will try for another pregnancy. Is it normal to feel this way? Absolutely – I’m not alone, I know that. I know it’s normal to feel this way. What I didn’t expect was for the fear to consume me to a point of standing still. I’m hoping that this fear – like my grief – will subside to a point of manageability over time.

Sounds silly when I put it that way, doesn’t it? That’s just me. I’m coping the only way I know how, getting through each day the best way I know how.

John is ready to try again. Honestly, I am too. I want our dream to come true.

I’m just so scared. So, so scared. I just can’t lose another child. I just can’t.

This is new for me. I’m not afraid of anything (with the exception of ticks, which is more of a very strong dislike, not a fear really…nasty little things). I am strong. I can handle what is thrown my way. I have never been afraid…until now.

Now is different.

Now is after Brayden. Now is post-loss. Now is a reality check. Now is real life.

I don’t like now. I like then. Then, when I didn’t know what I know now. Then, when my rose tinted glasses were fully in place and I was fearless, limitless and ready to take life by the horns.

I miss then.

I feel better getting my fears out on here. Admitting fear usually takes care of the fear itself, rendering it powerless.

Lets hope this is true…I’m counting on it.


  1. Oh Dawn. I stuck standing still in fear as well. I undersatnd your fears with all of me. I am beyond terrified to be pregnant again. I have used up every excuse I can find. My husband is more than ready. I hope we both can find some peace, hope & faith so we can continue on our path in life towards the complete family we envision. Sending you huge hugs.

  2. It would be a lie of omission if I failed to say that I am petrified. The only thing that save me is the fact that I have a fabulous 'disconnect' button...although that button occasionally bites me in the ass, too. The disconnect button is what got me through labor and delivery - it allowed me to switch into 'business mode' and hold off on REALLY falling apart until after Gracie was born. That same button has allowed me to focus on the fact that Jeff is now 40 and I am almost 33...and our desire to have 3 living children. I know that if there is any chance of that happening, we needed to get moving. If I didn't have this one simple fact to keep jumping up and down on my disconnect button, I would not be this far. Some days I wish I wasn't this far and we had been able to take a little more time to focus on our healing before jumping right back in, but it's too late to take it back now! :-) I think we are all scared shitless in exactly the same way someone who has been struck by lightening becomes scared to death of thunderstorms.

  3. Thank you so much for your understanding, ladies. This road we walk on feels never ending...

  4. I too am afraid. But like Susan, I am able to disconnect myself from that fear. I found that it started when I began to see the hope again. I know that when I do get pregnant again I will be anxious all the way through until I'm holding that baby, and then until baby is more grown up. To be honest, I am now more afraid for Ethan, and I check on him at night all the time to see if he is breathing and he is 2 1/2. I don't know if that will ever go away. You are definitely not alone in your feelings. Hugs :)