Walking through water

Six months. Specifically, six months today. Has it really been six months? Really? It feels like a lifetime. When I look back at all my family has been through, it has been a lifetime.

When will I see the 22nd of each month go by and not think of the day I lost my son? Will it be next month? The month after? When?

It’s so hard to describe the place I’m at right now. Some days, I’m okay. I’m sure I have whole days where I don’t think of what happened to us go through my head (although none come to mind). Some days, I think of Brayden, talk to him in my head, tell him how sorry I am and how much I miss him. Other days, I think about THE day, the day we lost him. Those are probably the worst days.

There is a woman at work who is pregnant. I really hate seeing her. I hate her little round tummy, the congratulations she receives and the glow that she has. I hate watching her get bigger, remembering where I was at that time in my pregnancy. How happy and excited we were, and how everything changed.

Six months. Wow. Such a small amount of time, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s like I’ve been walking through water these last months, each move slow and taking so much effort to get there. It’s been such a struggle, and yet I’ve come so far.

I’m making this entry short today. I’m remembering my little guy, thinking about him and still mourning him. Today, I don’t feel like I have unanswered questions or venting to do. I just want to remember him and nothing else.

To all the mommies out there who have lost their little ones – I’m remembering you today, too. My heart breaks for every new loss I hear about, and the ones I don’t.

I hope that peace finds all of us. I hope all of us find peace. Life moves forward for everyone, but for us…we’re still walking through water.