Missing our baby boy

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Sunday, March 28, 2010

Trying Again...

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last couple days…with a few conversations with online friends and a good friend I have here thrown in. I don’t have any conclusions yet. I’m starting to really think that there aren’t any. In fact, I’m positive there aren’t. I will never hit a point to where I’m okay with this. I won’t suddenly wake up one morning with less anxiety over pregnancy. I won’t ever stop thinking of my son, and how we lost him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Brayden. Not with my usual sadness, but a little more objectively. Backing off of my feelings and taking a good hard look at our situation. How would I feel if I were pregnant right now? Would I be happy? Would I panic? Would I be a nervous wreck? Will I freak out? Will nine months and a baby’s first year stress me out to the point of aging me ten years?

Yes, to all. I would feel all of those things, just as all of the brave mother’s of losses have before me. What happened to us was tragic, heart wrenching and cruel. It almost destroyed me. It doesn’t mean it has to happen again. It doesn’t mean it won’t.

So, where does that leave me? It leaves me with a little more knowledge to walk into my next pregnancy. I’ll buy a Doppler. I’ll find a doctor that will understand my pain, and who will hold my hand through this journey. I’ll keep my good friends close to me and hope that they understand I’ll be leaning on them more than ever.

This is my plan. When I’m ready…I’m almost there.

I hope anyone who reads this and has this same fear can find meaning in it. We can’t let this fear hold us from what we want most. We can’t continue to see our friends, families and loved ones go on in their lives, have and raise healthy babies while we sit by and watch, terrified because we worry about something that may or may not happen. What we can do is realize that it’s worth the risk and face our fear.

I want this dream. Like anything worthwhile, it won’t be easy.

And, I don’t expect it to be.

I will probably go back and forth on this, but there really isn’t a point because my mind is made up. We will have our family. I will learn to cope with my fear and overcome it to make it happen.

Getting these feelings out in the open has helped. Isn’t it said that the first step to healing is admitting the problem? I’ve admitted it, and at first I felt crappy…what mother doesn’t want another baby? I’ve always dreamed of having kids. Admitting I didn’t want the pregnancy made me also admit that I still want children.

With my hands out to each side, I weigh my options…I want children, bottom line. I didn’t even have to think about it.

We will start trying in a few months. If John had his way, we’d start now. I’m not quite there yet, but feel very lucky to have a husband who is okay with any decision I make…even if I say I’m done.

I will use these next months to adjust my thinking, think positively and keep in mind that this is exactly what I want.

I want this. I’ll work for this. I’ll sacrifice for this.

Because, that’s what mother’s do. ;-)

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