Missing our baby boy

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Screw the title...I gots nuthin'

I’ve grieved so hard for so long, I can’t remember what life was like without it by my side. To stay up late, like I am now, and just cry because the hurt you feel (and hide) takes over. It’s my companion, my crutch and my only connection to my little man who isn’t with me. How bittersweet, to have a connection that slowly sucks the life out of you like that.

Forgetting someone you love is like trying to remember someone you’ve never met. The pain associated with those memories is a small price to pay to have them close in your thoughts. Sometimes I welcome the pain, because it’s better to feel something than nothing at all.

I won’t ever have a day where I think of Brayden and don’t cry. I won’t look back and smile at what we had. We had one tragic day. One horrible, inconceivable, wish-it-didn’t-happen day. It sucks. And I know that no matter how hard I cry or how drained I feel after, I will have more days like this. More time between days, but still more days.

I had a son, and he died. I can’t get through that sentence out loud. Sometimes I can’t say his name without breaking down. Usually I can’t say his name without breaking down.

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me at this point. I’m missing my little man so much right now. This time of year is when everyone states what they’re grateful for, and I, selfishly, don’t feel very grateful. Resentful, painful, awful, remorseful…a lot of ‘ful’, but grateful isn’t there. It should be. But, it’s not. I’m angry and have nowhere for it to go.

I feel like kicking something small and fuzzy and adorable. Too bad we’re short on mystical woodland creatures up here.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Here we go again...

I don’t have many coherent thoughts other than I’m grieving again. It’s almost inconceivable at this point in my thinking, but I am. I don’t know what’s brought it on. We passed our two-year angelversary and I feel so, incredibly, unbelievably sad.

Two years was better than one. Three years will be better than two. As the years pass, this grief should get easier to bear. It will get easier, but the grieving itself is getting harder. Make sense? Didn’t think so. Most days I’m fine, but these last few weeks my mind has turned to Brayden more and more. I can’t quite think of the words to use to describe it. Regret? Not exactly. Sadness? Definitely. Longing? That’s it. I feel longing. Longing so deep that it hurts sometimes.

Where is this coming from? Why am I not past this? Even as I justify that grieving is a lifetime deal, I secretly wonder myself why I’m not past certain things. How can this still hit me out of the blue, knock me down and break my heart again?

I was rocking my rainbow to sleep the other night and suddenly wondered what it would be like to have rocked Brayden. To run my finger down his cheek, smell his hair and have his little fist hold my finger while he slept. The tears were instant, my heart clenched up and I had to bite my lip to keep the sobs in. Just like that, we’re grieving again. For just an instant, my thoughts felt right. Like that missing piece in my heart was back for just a second, Brayden was in my arms and the world was as it should be. It felt good, really good, to think that I was holding him, and that only made me cry harder.

I’ll never get over missing him. Ever. It just surprises me sometimes how it can hit out of nowhere and I’m back where I was two years ago. I wish I didn't feel so alone in my missing and grieving today. My heart just hurts, and there's nothing I can do but let it hurt.