I don’t have many coherent thoughts other than I’m grieving again. It’s almost inconceivable at this point in my thinking, but I am. I don’t know what’s brought it on. We passed our two-year angelversary and I feel so, incredibly, unbelievably sad.
Two years was better than one. Three years will be better than two. As the years pass, this grief should get easier to bear. It will get easier, but the grieving itself is getting harder. Make sense? Didn’t think so. Most days I’m fine, but these last few weeks my mind has turned to Brayden more and more. I can’t quite think of the words to use to describe it. Regret? Not exactly. Sadness? Definitely. Longing? That’s it. I feel longing. Longing so deep that it hurts sometimes.
Where is this coming from? Why am I not past this? Even as I justify that grieving is a lifetime deal, I secretly wonder myself why I’m not past certain things. How can this still hit me out of the blue, knock me down and break my heart again?
I was rocking my rainbow to sleep the other night and suddenly wondered what it would be like to have rocked Brayden. To run my finger down his cheek, smell his hair and have his little fist hold my finger while he slept. The tears were instant, my heart clenched up and I had to bite my lip to keep the sobs in. Just like that, we’re grieving again. For just an instant, my thoughts felt right. Like that missing piece in my heart was back for just a second, Brayden was in my arms and the world was as it should be. It felt good, really good, to think that I was holding him, and that only made me cry harder.
I’ll never get over missing him. Ever. It just surprises me sometimes how it can hit out of nowhere and I’m back where I was two years ago. I wish I didn't feel so alone in my missing and grieving today. My heart just hurts, and there's nothing I can do but let it hurt.
I bit my lip to stop my sobs so I wouldn't wake my rainbow.
ReplyDeleteI have done the same many times. Sitting in JD's rocker. The rocker that was JJ's & was suppose to be Janessa's in the room that was decorated just for her. I sometimes welcome the grief back because it makes me feel close to her again.
Hoping your pain eases in the days to come. Missing Brayden with you. xoxo - Malory
Let's meet in Seattle and drink all weekend. We're already down, so we don't have to worry about falling and getting hurt. ;-/
ReplyDeleteThis is so timely for me. I've been missing Acacia so much lately - not sure why now, but I guess, why not now? And I realize I struggle with not having much time to myself to grieve, and really touch into whatever it is I'm feeling.
ReplyDeleteThis parenting after a loss deal is... I don't know, more difficult or challenging than I imagined? Then again, while I was pregnant with my rainbow, I never really looked into the future to think about what it might be like to parent a living child after a loss, I just needed to survive the pregnancy.
Hugs to you and all of yours!