Missing our baby boy

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Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Luxury of Grieving

Yes, I said it. Grieving has become a luxury for me. Not in a good way, of course. Nothing about grieving is a luxury, save one thing; the time to do it. I don’t have it. With two active children at home, Mommy can’t have a breakdown when she feels grief taking over. Mommy can’t sob uncontrollably while hidden away in her room, in the shower or in the car. Her living children need Mommy to be okay and take care of them.

So, grief gets put on hold.

That’s how today is going. That’s how every day goes. I can’t remember the last time I sat down and just let go and cried it out. I need to, but I can’t. I’m the mother of a lost baby, but a mother first and foremost. Mother to living children with no time to grieve for the one who isn’t here with us.

Today would have been Brayden’s two-year birthday. In this house, I’m the only one who remembered and I’m okay with that. Well, mostly okay with that. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do on this day. A balloon release? Buy that engraved memory stone I’ve had my eye on? Finally do something with his ashes? In the end, I’m not doing anything. To watch my family, happy and thriving, I just can’t bring myself to remind them what this day is.

That first year was the worst, when I didn’t so much as choose to embrace life but went along with the ride that was life. I went through the motions, put one foot in front of the other and pulled myself together just enough to impersonate a functioning human being. This year, I walk with life willingly and breathe a little easier because of it. Life isn’t going along without me…although, I’ll always be going through life without a son.

So, silent and alone, I’ll think about him as I go about my day. In my heart, that’s enough. In fact, in this weird way I feel like I’m honoring him by taking care of his brothers. It reminds me that life has moved on and if I stand still too long, I’ll miss it. I’ll miss the now by being stuck in the past with regret and sadness. So, today I choose to honor Brayden’s memory by embracing the life he didn’t get to live. I’ll hug his brothers a little bit tighter and linger over the welcome home kiss I’ll give my husband tonight.

Brayden, you’ll always be missed. I love you more than words can say. I wish you could be playing with your brothers on the living room floor right now. In my heart, you are. <3

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow Dawn. This is beautiful. I even have tears and like you, tears and grieving are a luxury, just no time looking after Joseph's big brothers.
    It's nice to get an insight into where someone is at 2 years out and I hope the peacefulness that seems to come from your words stays with you.
    Remembering your beautiful Brayden on his second birthday. x