Missing our baby boy

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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

18 months


Unfortunately, I don’t have the time required tonight to write all that I would like to. For now, I’m remembering Brayden 18 months after we said goodbye.

Some days, it’s so easy to forget that this happened to us, really happened. Some days, it’s like it was all a bad dream that has faded with the early morning light, leaving behind faint feelings of sadness and regret. I can look at our rainbow baby and almost forget he had a big brother that he never new and has now outlived.

Other days, I remember how it felt to come home from the hospital. How I felt nothing and everything at the same time. How it felt to walk by the nursery door, knowing what was in there but having nowhere near the courage to open it and walk in. The endless hours I spent on the floor of the nursery, hugging the blankets that were meant for him and crying until I was sick. I would hold the packets containing the precious few pictures we have of him, run my fingers over the envelope, but not open them. My arms hurt so very badly because they were empty.

And the last time I saw him. When the nurse carried him out for the last time, the last glimpse I had of the back of his head as she was leaving and how perfect he looked. It’s burned in my memory, along with the urge to chase her down screaming and take him away from her and never let him go.

I’m not ashamed to say those days are moving farther into my past and I’m glad of it. Missing Brayden will never change, but the fading of those memories can’t come fast enough.

I miss my little man today, and every day. Our family will grow and move on, but never be the same.

I love you, Brayden.

Gone yet not forgotten,
Although we are apart,
Your spirit lives within me,
Forever in my heart.


  1. Thinking of you as you remember Brayden, and the 18 months that have passed since you said goodbye. I can feel your love for him in this post.

    I too am approaching the 18th month anniversary of my baby this week. I can only imagine how it will feel bittersweet for me as I look at my expected rainbow baby in May, and remember her sister that died.


  2. It just doesn't seem possible that 18+ months have passed since coming home with empty arms. Sighing with you, and wondering what mischief our babes are up to way up there in the heavens...

  3. It's taken me a while to comment, but sending love your way as you continue this journey without Brayden.