Missing our baby boy

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Friday, September 27, 2013

Passing the four year mark

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing.
With a broken heart that’s still beating…

Sunday marked four years since the passing of Brayden. It was also the first day of my new job. As soon as I saw the 22nd as opening day, my stomach sank. No time for grieving, which makes the pain worse and stretch longer than it needs to. Swallowing it is always hard, but life doesn’t care that you need to pull the covers over your head and grieve. So…off to work and smile I did. I may have cried on the way home, but that’s neither here nor there.

In the pain, there is healing;
In your name, I find meaning…

The guilt I feel is almost palatable. I did nothing to commemorate his birth and death and I hate that. I thought of him, but it didn’t feel like enough. What would be enough? I’m not sure. I’m so afraid that he’ll be forgotten, that his little life didn’t make the impact on the world as it did me.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now
I haven’t forgotten my way home…

Before I went to work on Sunday, I talked to my husband about it. He doesn’t like to discuss our loss, it’s a sadness and hurt that he can’t do anything about so it’s frustrating for him. He listened, held me and let me cry. I think that’s the first time that’s happened since Brayden passed. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel so alone and I badly needed that connection to someone. He just let me cry. And…it felt good, so good to just cry and be held and to know that he knows that’s all that was needed. It was a beautiful, perfect moment. Short, but treasured.

And I am here still waiting,
Though I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out.

I will never stop grieving. I see that now. It doesn’t linger like it did, I don’t cry every day or dwell…but when September hits every year my heart squeezes because I know what’s coming. Right between my husbands birthday and my eldest’s birthday is the dreaded angelversary of my second son. Not a reason to celebrate, but to mourn. I’m okay with that, remembering isn’t a bad thing and it’s the only connection I feel like I have with him.

I’ll take it, sadness and all.

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