Missing our baby boy

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Saturday, May 29, 2010

Another step back

I’ve spent part of this evening reading blogs of friends…older blogs that were written long before I came along to this world. I have to admit, their stories are painful to read but bring comfort at the same time. Other loss moms feel as I do and think as I do. I’m not as crazy as I think sometimes.

I’ve found myself “backsliding” (as I’ve come to think of it). Reliving the grief process, yet again. This is not the first time in the last months I’ve been here, but each time is different. The sadness has shifted, the pain less sharp but deeper.

I spoke with my new doctor this last week. He was shocked at the lack of information we weren’t provided was able to shed new light on the loss of our son. At the time, the news didn’t mean much to me…gone is gone. Now, days later, I feel a little differently. Not better or worse, just different. Knowing he’s gone from a freak twist of fate, an ugly turn of nature, a fluke…call it what you will…makes me angry all over again. The unfairness of it all is startling.

I was able to go into his room the other day and sit for a while. Surrounded by things that were meant to be his, I sat on the floor and pulled out his pictures. I ran my fingers over his photos, held the blanket the hospital wrapped him in and cried. I opened a few boxes of the baby clothes that were packed and pulled a few things out.

Here’s where the crazy part comes in. I sat looking at his swing and wondered if I should get his box of ashes and put him in the swing. I could put his blanket in there, give it a push and rock him for a bit. I sat and fantasized about that for a while – and even though the thought was, at the time, appealing – I then realized I was one step away from wrapping a doll up and putting it in a stroller and going for a walk, introducing my neighbors to my “son”.

I can’t explain where that thought or impulse came from – but I’ll be the first to admit that it was a little off the charts. I don’t even want to guess what my husband would have said had he come home at that moment.

I’m not quite sure where this leaves me. I’m really aching for him right now. Sometimes, I catch myself forgetting that this is my reality. I read stories of losses and think, “Wow, that would be awful” and then remember…it is awful. It happened to us, I know this.

Some of this was brought on by my doctor’s appointment. I lost count of how many people I had to explain our loss to…how many times I had to relive it in one day. I didn’t cry (I’m proud of myself) but I was close. I bit the side of my tongue more than once to hold the tears back. I just wanted to get through my appointment…crying could wait for home.


  1. The presence of our new bean continues to do funny things to me. My IRL friend who has been through this warned me within the first two weeks following Gracie's death that this would happen. She warned me about what a train wreck I will be after we bring a rainbow home, especially if our bean happened to be a girl...which she is. The hormones DEFINITELY don't help - especially in the first trimester, but even without the hormones, there are so many thoughts to be had and questions to play out in your mind. We are here with you and for you...and perhaps you and I can hold each other up as we start to lean. :-)

    Glad your appointment went well. It's amazing what new information comes to light when you speak with a doctor not involved in your care during 'the' pregnancy. As much as I trust my providers, there were two very important things that they left out during my follow up appointments - things that the MFM guy brought up right away during my consult with him in November. I suppose that's just how it goes. Are there any MFM practices in the city for you to consult with or will you just be seeing a regular OB practice?

    If you need to swing Brayden, swing away. As long as you don't start carrying him around in a wrap or a sling - or pushing him in a stroller - all is well. I think your impulse is probably much more normal than you think!!

    More later...hoping that the rest of your weekend is enjoyable....

  2. Grief is a funny thing isn't it? You can be doing so well & it sneaks up & drags you back a few steps. I guess thats just the way it goes. It is how you are feeling at the moment & so it needs to be recognized felt & dealt with. The swing thing...the old sane part of me agrees with off the chart but the grief stricken mom understands those impulses so very well. I agree with how normal that probably is. It broke my heart to read that & I wish I could just give you a hug. Sending you love.